Karma Unscrambled Is Mark A...

When i was in my 20's and 30's ..i had no idea what type of man i would be in my 40's. Now that i am in my 40's , i have no idea what type of man i was in my 20's and 30's! I led an insane lifestyle in the 90's and 00's...i wasn't sure about my life at all...i was a womanizer and a drinker...i lived my life as if i wasn't going to ever see my 40's ...well that's because i truly believed that i would die before my fortieth birthday from some type of illness ,just like my father did.

My Dad was 39 yrs old ,when he passed away ,from complications from his alcoholism. He died before we could do all of the thing's that i had dreamed of us doing together and that's why i cried so hard at his funeral. We were about to finally have a relationship ,but it wasn't meant to be i guess.He was gone and so was my last ounce of give a fuck about my life and existence for that matter.

well back to my crazy manhood and how i truly had no clue how to be a man ,father,son,brother, nor friend. i learned all of that shit on the job. I remember how much i  only wanted to have the most fun possible and then i wanted to just wait for my impending  death at an early age. I truly lived my life as if it would end tomorrow ,so what i did today won't matter. No love,No commitment ,No Honesty, No Respect,and No Direction...I was a knucklehead supreme! Then one day ,i remember when it all went away ..i started to care what i said to women and i cared about hurting them and mistreating them ...i cared about my language in public around older ladies and i knew that i was changing,but it wasn't fast enough because  had too many mistakes left inside me. I was gonna make all of the mistakes that i could and then i was gonna grow up ,but a funny thing happened on the way to my 40's.....I grew up Big time! Everything mattered now..my children were my life and all that i wanted in life started with them and it will end with them,but i had a problem . i never took the time to be responsible, so now i was playing from behind the field ..i had to make up ground.

I remember my relationships in this time frame ..in my 30's kept ending for shit i did in my 20's and i couldn't really understand why i was being accused of things that i never even thought about anymore. I was being  chastised and mistrusted by women that i was so very faithful to and would have given my all for..they were living in my past and kicking my ass in my present...it was funny ,but very irritating.sometimes as well.Then it became a fucking curse... trying to explain to women that i wasn't woman chasing  baboon anymore ,but a well trained monkey now.

The finally i hit my 40's ...oh boy has things really taken a funny turn...i have basically been single for most of the last 10 years now and i am at this point in my life so settled down that i know that i must find a wife to share this mindset with me. I am at this point watching women come and go ...some inventing a persona of me ,because they can't understand or cope with who i am, that's the funny thing about some women..they want you to accept their flaws and they want you to correct yours , then the relationship will be perfect. I am a monster to one ex, i am another one's Father(mean and unconcerned), and i have had so many reach out ,but fade away as they realize that i will not stop being me to appease them. I will always from this day forward respect ,honor ,cherish ,and love women ,but i am in search for my Queen for a lifetime ..not some Trick for a good time..those days are gone...Karma keeps bringing the bad girl's i used to chase into my aura and i keep running them away. ...I am ready to marry a beautiful woman and make her happy forever! I just wanted to put that out there in the universe! ...This is my life and It is a True Story!

Self Love...Develops The Desire To Evolve

My story isn't all about my ability to love other's...it's also about my ability to love myself. I was self-destructive and and not very idealistic. I was driven by a rage that i couldn't and wouldn't comprehend for quite some time . I hated everything and everyone in my life ,including myself,my mom,my sisters and especially my dad. I thought about ending my life as a young boy and even went into the woods  and set them on fire ,hoping that i would get caught inside the blaze. I'm not sure what stopped me from doing it...oh yeah Doris Early caught me !...lol!

My young life was an absolute whirlwind of events...i struggled with my childhood. i wanted the adulthood to start ,so that i could get away from my family and run off to do my own thing. My Mom was so hard on me  and she knew it . She raised me not to be something that i wasn't and forgot to raise me to be the person that i should become. I came through the craziest times of my life in the craziest periods of time in the craziest neighborhoods in Upstate South Carolina; Tobe Hartwell, HighLand(Spartanburg Version), Spartan Terrace(Stabbin' and shootin Spartan Terrace), then my Mom decided to Move us on up like the Jefferson's one day...so we moved to Lakeshore(wow) and finally Nicholtown. Final Destination ..last stop in i hope you have a plan lifeline! 

I moved to Lakeshore , when i was 8 yrs old, i was an innocent child unaware of my own dangers and potentials. My life was all about being Spiderman or Batman, not realizing that the only Hero i needed in my life was...A Black Man. A Black Man named Hezekiah Smith Jr.(My Father). He and my mom ,were like the 1970's version of Itchy and Scratchy from the Simpson's. They fought over everything,but were never fighting over me. My mom ,never threatened my Dad about being in my life,she never even questioned it at all. She seemed content with the fact that she had to somehow raise her little boy into a man. What a Joke! Not my Mom, But the logic of believing that a woman can provide the needed component to developing a boy into a man. It isn't possible ...women do a great job in raising little boys ,but you don't know what it takes to mold a man. You have had a 100 % more man inside of you than i have ,but you can't know ,what's inside a man. I eat chicken all of the time , but i can't build a chicken.

I must have been something like a enigma in The Sho',because i wasn't very well liked at all. I had a very small circle of homeboys and their homeboys hung around because they were around....does that make sense? I fought all of the time as if fighting was my food..it was the Rage inside of me channeling through my knuckles. I was a bully, a Bastard and a son-of -a bitch..the killer B's..lol...I would start a fight in an empty room! This is something that i got from my Father...he was a feisty little muhfucka! He would cut you in a heartbeat and would step over your bleeding body to go eat. I believe that getting my first piece of pussy only made thing's worse for my attitude. I thought that since i was getting some ..now i couldn't possibly be someones little boy anymore. This is where my mom came in..she went nuts after i had my first pussy induced nut and so did i...lol! I loved my mom and up until i started spending time with girl's more than her ,she went on a tirade that never ended until i left home to serve in the Navy.

I was beginning to change by High School and honestly fighting became a stupid thing to me.However, my reputation precede me in most instances and everyone seemed to notice that i had lost that edge in my personality. These kneegrows started coming at me left and right wanting to fight...i was told that they had a plan to throw me off the 85 bridge on Staunton Bridge Rd. if they could have caught me up there alone. No Shit! 

I fight for one reason these days...to protect my family. If you want my attention all you have to do is harm my child. I have evolved and the reason for my evolution is Love ...The Love of myself ,which has helped me Develop a better understanding of my existence. People say it's Maturity,i say it's Evolution. I matured a long time ago ,but i evolved  recently in my understanding of Life. ...True Story! I figure that i should get my life together...and Learn how to be a man...Just In Case

Chapter Two...Let's Stay in Love

Life for me never was easy ,but my thirties, were atrocious. Relationships were hard to come by and i spent most of that decade alone. When you spend that much time alone ,you develop,a sense of me against the world . It's not meant to hurt other's it's just a part of your defense mechanism. By now ,i had probably been hurt and trampled on a thousand times and it really took it's toll. I went from being the funny,cute ,smiling all the time ,young man to the Nonchalant ,carefree ,and sometimes abrasive individual i am today. The difference between me and others that may share my present personality ,is that ,i want to do something about it. Trust me ,it wasn't easy becoming this way ,it took the assistance of a lot of Love and losing Love to create this persona. Let's break down the last twelve years of my relationship life and then we'll see if you can determine why i come across as unconcerned ,when actually ,i simply refuse to be stressed out any longer by Love.

I can go back To Tiffany and say that we had a good thing while it lasted ..a beautiful Son(Zairre) and very decent chemistry in other aspects ,but it was doomed from the start and we both knew it..We are great friends right now however and that is how i like it. She was a minor heartbreak ,but a great lesson ,in my steps to become more careful about sharing my deepest love. After Tiffany ,there was Renee. Renee was probably the most unlikely person to hurt me because she was the one whom i honestly decided to be with after Tiffany ...i mean Monogamously as well. She owned a piece of me that she never signed the Deed on and i had to repossess it quickly. She was so nervous about me being away from her that she systematically broke up with me over the imagined circumstances in her head. This was the first time that i was innocent ,but proven guilty by a female's intuition. It wouldn't be the last time sadly enough. Renee broke up with herself and she still won't speak to me today ..citing  how much i hurt her by doing all of the things that she imagined i had done...(Crazy as Hell)Bullet Dodged! Then came Linda...wow...Linda was what i call a Bad person wrapped in the most beautiful gift wrap that you can find anywhere. She was elegant,pretty,beautiful,sexy.and very ,very fine...Thick legs..Banging body...Ass for days and would fuck for days as well. She was missing something that at that time was unknown to me as one of my prerequisites..she wasn't very intelligent...not dumb but not very bright.(DJM)..I even tried to rekindle a relationship from the past...no luck! Naundi(Overbearing), short and sweet! Then of course Jennifer...we were good together,but maybe we met too soon...Then came Sabrina Noel, my Syrian-Jamaican-Nicaraguan beauty from London ,England. Now she owned some Real Estate in my heart and mind that only Jennifer and Wanda had owned before...i actually sold her the land that they used to possess at half -price! We were flying high in the clouds for a while and then it happened ,just like Wanda,Tiffany,Renee,Jennifer and a couple of others. when she couldn't figure me out ..she figured she'd get out. All of my relationships in the past few years have ended over things i may have done in my twenties ,but would have ever considered doing in my late 30's and early 40's. They all were attacked by an enemy that you can't defeat from the outside in..the imagination of a woman. Once a woman's mind is set on something...you may as well see it her way and walk away. Someone is trying to tell me something..all of those women can't be wrong about the same thing nor should they be scared off by the same aspect of my personality. I had to look in the mirror and decide what's important to me..i have to get back to being the man i was before the man i am destroys me.

I realize that i have some soul searching to do and i will search my soul alone...but i will be able to save myself  because i Believe in Love!  When i finally settle down with my favorite lady and we set a date ...The first thing i will say is "Let's Stay In Love"..and our First dance will be off an old Hip-Hop Song...Check this out...

Love Is The Presence Of Our Most High and When it's Destroyed that Is the Hand Of Evil...

Yeah First Dance off of You're All I Need By Meth and Mary....True Story

Chapter One...OverWhelmed by Femininity

I didn't just used to love before ...i used to fall in love before. I was Carefree about how hard i fell and even how far i fell, i was just in love with the Fall. I fell in love with the first kiss...i fell in love with the first smile...i fell in love with the first phone conversation. I was a classic sucka for love ass nigga ,but that was then ,this is me now. This is who i have become over the last 10 years of my life and i would like to share with you why.

I was raised in a single-parent home by my mother,and along with my two sisters,we struggled everyday. I learned the greatest thing a man could ever learn from woman...how to love a woman and i was good at it for a while. I was being molded into the perfect man by my Mother,not intentionally, she had a profoundly indirect impact on my ability to communicate with women. She dated scoundrels and Convicts...Pedophiles and Pimps...Drug dealers and Drug Addicts and not to mention the Alcoholic woman beater ,that was my Father. I had to learn about manhood from a man whose face i wouldn't even recognize today. My Memory of him is hidden behind 24 years of alcohol and purpose. You see , i am a strong believer that people enter your life and contribute what they were meant to contribute and then they are gone. I think that if you don't remember a person's name it isn't that they weren't important at the time ..it means that they aren't important at this time of your life. My Father...the man whom met my mom and Fat-Her with child is absolutely the most important man that i ever met in my life,because if i never met him, i wouldn't  alive. However, my Dad is somewhere in Norman, Oklahoma on an Native -American Reservation looking at the Hundreds of photos' of me and him saying i remember when.....

O Well! back to me and who i used to be ! I have honestly been in Love a Total of 3 times in my entire life and all 3 of those women are still on some level very special to my life's fabric. They all taught me something so very valuable about Loving women...You can't love every woman the same. I learned how to love a woman from a woman  ,so naturally, i believed that i knew exactly how to love a woman. But, like most men in single parent homes ,i learned how to love the way my Mother wanted to be loved by a man. A large number of women don't want love at all, they want the all mighty Dick and Dollar. They believe that they can find love whenever. Then some women want just enough love to validate them spending every night and day with the same nigga and not out partying with their girl's. Finally there is the Woman that wants your every minute and second of the day and aren't even satisfied with that ,because there is something still missing . the missing element is often so small that it doesn't even register with us at all.We men always think bigger than we have to and do Less than we should ...mostly for the simple reason  that we just found out about it during the argument. Most of all, women want to be loved ...the way they want to be loved .Not the way that you feel they should be loved. I know that now ,more than ever.

I remember when being pussy whipped very badly one summer of my life ...my first summer having sex. I wasn't whipped by just one girl...it was a combination whipping. They triple -teamed me (unknowingly of course) Ada Sheppard...Sonya Latimer...Terri Harris(28 at the time) had me fucked up badly and just like the Three women that i was in love with ,i learned a lot about myself that helped me grow as a man. I was so busy that summer Ada broke the seal on the container...not very good sex (she was more experienced than me )but there was a lot of it...Lakesho' Stand up! there were a couple of niggas hooked on that pussy, i fought for an entire summer trying to prove my love..lmao! Then there was Sonya ...(sigh) Sonya...Bad reputation and all, she was my boo. she was labelled a ho' by so many ,but in truth , I was her first. She was so Goddamn Beautiful to me and boy did we go at it...Rabbit Season like a muhfucka! I loved her ...I loved her Titties and Pussy..she was fine as hell naked..damn!! We had so many ups and downs over our relationship and the greatest up and down was Terrie Harris. Terrie was my older chick, Married and all...she would do anything i asked her to..and even some shit that i hadn't ever heard of before...damn!

I joined the Navy after High School and that's when the Real Shit began to happen. I was fucking on every continent and Caribbean Island on the map, just plain wilding out....then i got the Letter that even with all of my indiscretions ,broke my black ass down like a shotgun. The Dear John Letter...all of my Military niggas ,know what this is. I was devastated and to find out that it was my Best Friends brother was even tougher...i told this nigga to watch my girl for me and he watched her fuck instead..lmao..asshole! I love You Man!! LOL

I AwOl'd from the military for a while ..just to pull myself back together. I thought about killing that nigga and her ass..then i thought about it. I was cheating all over the world and here i am crying over her fucking one dude! Lame ! i chilled out and moved on with my life eventually...eeeeeevvvvveeeeeennnnntually(it took a while) i stalked her ass like crazy...fuck you , i was 19. When i finally moved on there were a plethora of women here and there...me and my cousin ran a Non-Profit Whorehouse in the 90's...we donated Dick to every Horny woman possible and then i met My Very First Truest Love... Wanda (Oh My God)...i would have married her the first day we met...she was a perfect ten , beautiful beyond words,and overall a very great woman...i blew it after a long relationship...I have regretted it every day since. More women came ,but none took the place of Wanda in my heart for a very long time. I loved a few more women after her and i was never really the same after losing her,but i moved on. My life had a few very forgetful relationships and i had a good one that went bad...i moved on from that one pretty quickly..moved away and then came back...then there was Jennifer(sigh) i couldn't explain what i loved so much about Jennifer, except in one statement..she walk out of my head into my life. She had what i was looking for in a woman and that is what i wanted  in my life and world. I fell head over heels for her and i mean Fell hard...i will tell you , we had Chemistry like a muhfucka in the bedroom. I saw stars when i was with her and believe me ..we would do it anywhere. whenever the feeling arose...i had her p***y against my nose! Whooo...(I still gotta flashlight looking for her , wow)...i have so much more to tell you,but i must save it for next time!  You must know why i am Mark Anthony...Stay Tuned