Karma Unscrambled Is Mark A...

When i was in my 20's and 30's ..i had no idea what type of man i would be in my 40's. Now that i am in my 40's , i have no idea what type of man i was in my 20's and 30's! I led an insane lifestyle in the 90's and 00's...i wasn't sure about my life at all...i was a womanizer and a drinker...i lived my life as if i wasn't going to ever see my 40's ...well that's because i truly believed that i would die before my fortieth birthday from some type of illness ,just like my father did.

My Dad was 39 yrs old ,when he passed away ,from complications from his alcoholism. He died before we could do all of the thing's that i had dreamed of us doing together and that's why i cried so hard at his funeral. We were about to finally have a relationship ,but it wasn't meant to be i guess.He was gone and so was my last ounce of give a fuck about my life and existence for that matter.

well back to my crazy manhood and how i truly had no clue how to be a man ,father,son,brother, nor friend. i learned all of that shit on the job. I remember how much i  only wanted to have the most fun possible and then i wanted to just wait for my impending  death at an early age. I truly lived my life as if it would end tomorrow ,so what i did today won't matter. No love,No commitment ,No Honesty, No Respect,and No Direction...I was a knucklehead supreme! Then one day ,i remember when it all went away ..i started to care what i said to women and i cared about hurting them and mistreating them ...i cared about my language in public around older ladies and i knew that i was changing,but it wasn't fast enough because  had too many mistakes left inside me. I was gonna make all of the mistakes that i could and then i was gonna grow up ,but a funny thing happened on the way to my 40's.....I grew up Big time! Everything mattered now..my children were my life and all that i wanted in life started with them and it will end with them,but i had a problem . i never took the time to be responsible, so now i was playing from behind the field ..i had to make up ground.

I remember my relationships in this time frame ..in my 30's kept ending for shit i did in my 20's and i couldn't really understand why i was being accused of things that i never even thought about anymore. I was being  chastised and mistrusted by women that i was so very faithful to and would have given my all for..they were living in my past and kicking my ass in my present...it was funny ,but very irritating.sometimes as well.Then it became a fucking curse... trying to explain to women that i wasn't woman chasing  baboon anymore ,but a well trained monkey now.

The finally i hit my 40's ...oh boy has things really taken a funny turn...i have basically been single for most of the last 10 years now and i am at this point in my life so settled down that i know that i must find a wife to share this mindset with me. I am at this point watching women come and go ...some inventing a persona of me ,because they can't understand or cope with who i am, that's the funny thing about some women..they want you to accept their flaws and they want you to correct yours , then the relationship will be perfect. I am a monster to one ex, i am another one's Father(mean and unconcerned), and i have had so many reach out ,but fade away as they realize that i will not stop being me to appease them. I will always from this day forward respect ,honor ,cherish ,and love women ,but i am in search for my Queen for a lifetime ..not some Trick for a good time..those days are gone...Karma keeps bringing the bad girl's i used to chase into my aura and i keep running them away. ...I am ready to marry a beautiful woman and make her happy forever! I just wanted to put that out there in the universe! ...This is my life and It is a True Story!

Self Love...Develops The Desire To Evolve

My story isn't all about my ability to love other's...it's also about my ability to love myself. I was self-destructive and and not very idealistic. I was driven by a rage that i couldn't and wouldn't comprehend for quite some time . I hated everything and everyone in my life ,including myself,my mom,my sisters and especially my dad. I thought about ending my life as a young boy and even went into the woods  and set them on fire ,hoping that i would get caught inside the blaze. I'm not sure what stopped me from doing it...oh yeah Doris Early caught me !...lol!

My young life was an absolute whirlwind of events...i struggled with my childhood. i wanted the adulthood to start ,so that i could get away from my family and run off to do my own thing. My Mom was so hard on me  and she knew it . She raised me not to be something that i wasn't and forgot to raise me to be the person that i should become. I came through the craziest times of my life in the craziest periods of time in the craziest neighborhoods in Upstate South Carolina; Tobe Hartwell, HighLand(Spartanburg Version), Spartan Terrace(Stabbin' and shootin Spartan Terrace), then my Mom decided to Move us on up like the Jefferson's one day...so we moved to Lakeshore(wow) and finally Nicholtown. Final Destination ..last stop in i hope you have a plan lifeline! 

I moved to Lakeshore , when i was 8 yrs old, i was an innocent child unaware of my own dangers and potentials. My life was all about being Spiderman or Batman, not realizing that the only Hero i needed in my life was...A Black Man. A Black Man named Hezekiah Smith Jr.(My Father). He and my mom ,were like the 1970's version of Itchy and Scratchy from the Simpson's. They fought over everything,but were never fighting over me. My mom ,never threatened my Dad about being in my life,she never even questioned it at all. She seemed content with the fact that she had to somehow raise her little boy into a man. What a Joke! Not my Mom, But the logic of believing that a woman can provide the needed component to developing a boy into a man. It isn't possible ...women do a great job in raising little boys ,but you don't know what it takes to mold a man. You have had a 100 % more man inside of you than i have ,but you can't know ,what's inside a man. I eat chicken all of the time , but i can't build a chicken.

I must have been something like a enigma in The Sho',because i wasn't very well liked at all. I had a very small circle of homeboys and their homeboys hung around because they were around....does that make sense? I fought all of the time as if fighting was my food..it was the Rage inside of me channeling through my knuckles. I was a bully, a Bastard and a son-of -a bitch..the killer B's..lol...I would start a fight in an empty room! This is something that i got from my Father...he was a feisty little muhfucka! He would cut you in a heartbeat and would step over your bleeding body to go eat. I believe that getting my first piece of pussy only made thing's worse for my attitude. I thought that since i was getting some ..now i couldn't possibly be someones little boy anymore. This is where my mom came in..she went nuts after i had my first pussy induced nut and so did i...lol! I loved my mom and up until i started spending time with girl's more than her ,she went on a tirade that never ended until i left home to serve in the Navy.

I was beginning to change by High School and honestly fighting became a stupid thing to me.However, my reputation precede me in most instances and everyone seemed to notice that i had lost that edge in my personality. These kneegrows started coming at me left and right wanting to fight...i was told that they had a plan to throw me off the 85 bridge on Staunton Bridge Rd. if they could have caught me up there alone. No Shit! 

I fight for one reason these days...to protect my family. If you want my attention all you have to do is harm my child. I have evolved and the reason for my evolution is Love ...The Love of myself ,which has helped me Develop a better understanding of my existence. People say it's Maturity,i say it's Evolution. I matured a long time ago ,but i evolved  recently in my understanding of Life. ...True Story! I figure that i should get my life together...and Learn how to be a man...Just In Case