When i was in my 20's and 30's ..i had no idea what type of man i would be in my 40's. Now that i am in my 40's , i have no idea what type of man i was in my 20's and 30's! I led an insane lifestyle in the 90's and 00's...i wasn't sure about my life at all...i was a womanizer and a drinker...i lived my life as if i wasn't going to ever see my 40's ...well that's because i truly believed that i would die before my fortieth birthday from some type of illness ,just like my father did.
My Dad was 39 yrs old ,when he passed away ,from complications from his alcoholism. He died before we could do all of the thing's that i had dreamed of us doing together and that's why i cried so hard at his funeral. We were about to finally have a relationship ,but it wasn't meant to be i guess.He was gone and so was my last ounce of give a fuck about my life and existence for that matter.
well back to my crazy manhood and how i truly had no clue how to be a man ,father,son,brother, nor friend. i learned all of that shit on the job. I remember how much i only wanted to have the most fun possible and then i wanted to just wait for my impending death at an early age. I truly lived my life as if it would end tomorrow ,so what i did today won't matter. No love,No commitment ,No Honesty, No Respect,and No Direction...I was a knucklehead supreme! Then one day ,i remember when it all went away ..i started to care what i said to women and i cared about hurting them and mistreating them ...i cared about my language in public around older ladies and i knew that i was changing,but it wasn't fast enough because had too many mistakes left inside me. I was gonna make all of the mistakes that i could and then i was gonna grow up ,but a funny thing happened on the way to my 40's.....I grew up Big time! Everything mattered now..my children were my life and all that i wanted in life started with them and it will end with them,but i had a problem . i never took the time to be responsible, so now i was playing from behind the field ..i had to make up ground.
I remember my relationships in this time frame ..in my 30's kept ending for shit i did in my 20's and i couldn't really understand why i was being accused of things that i never even thought about anymore. I was being chastised and mistrusted by women that i was so very faithful to and would have given my all for..they were living in my past and kicking my ass in my present...it was funny ,but very irritating.sometimes as well.Then it became a fucking curse... trying to explain to women that i wasn't woman chasing baboon anymore ,but a well trained monkey now.
The finally i hit my 40's ...oh boy has things really taken a funny turn...i have basically been single for most of the last 10 years now and i am at this point in my life so settled down that i know that i must find a wife to share this mindset with me. I am at this point watching women come and go ...some inventing a persona of me ,because they can't understand or cope with who i am, that's the funny thing about some women..they want you to accept their flaws and they want you to correct yours , then the relationship will be perfect. I am a monster to one ex, i am another one's Father(mean and unconcerned), and i have had so many reach out ,but fade away as they realize that i will not stop being me to appease them. I will always from this day forward respect ,honor ,cherish ,and love women ,but i am in search for my Queen for a lifetime ..not some Trick for a good time..those days are gone...Karma keeps bringing the bad girl's i used to chase into my aura and i keep running them away. ...I am ready to marry a beautiful woman and make her happy forever! I just wanted to put that out there in the universe! ...This is my life and It is a True Story!
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